Yuffie and the Positive Virus
by t3h maniac
Summary: 5th fanfic and 2nd yuffie Fic. Yuffie steals a suitcase containing 5 vials, Chaos ensues
1. Chapter 1

-1**Yuffie And The Positive Virus**

A/N: my 5th piece of fan fiction here, and was inspired by me watching series 5 of Red Dwarf

Disclaimer: I do not own, pretend to own, think that I own anything from any other source in this typing, don't sue me.

Warning: Later chapters may contain scenes that would get me moderated on any games board for posting it.

**Chapter 1 **

Yuffie was bored, there was no other way of describing it. Materia will never have the same place in her heart since the fall of Shinra during the fall of meteor. Sure it was useful to keep around just in case but she had gotten so good at fighting with the conformer and her Ninjitsu abilities were the best in the world there was just no challenge.

She was a master thief, she could crack bank vaults, bust open safes and steal materia from inside your closed hand.

Lately she had tried to woo one Vincent Valentine, they had fought together on three separate occasions, the last time she felt they were getting closer together, she was growing up and he was accepting that she wasn't a little kid, until of course _she_ showed up.

"Damn young girl with the mind of an old girl who is Vincent's dead girl" Yuffie really hated Shelke, having her pushed the two apart. She sighed, the one time she starts growing up he falls for someone younger "Stupid broody broodalot" she huffed.

Yuffie had really changed physically in the past years, she had a more curved body than ever before and she had become even more athletic and could now outrun any pursuer, be they security guards or an angry Tifa for planting a whoopee cushion on her chair at Clouds birthday party. The less said about that encounter the better.

She was back in her element, hiding in the forests planning on stealing anything of value from passers by, she often returned most of the things she stole but not today, there was a secret shipment being overseen by Reno and Rude and she just couldn't help herself but to help herself.

"So what's in the case, yo?"

"…"

"Come on let me see"

"no"

"Just one peek?"

"No"

"aw come on!"

"No"

"why not?"

"Because it had 'biological risk' written on it"

"Please do you think Rufus is that dumb to give us something that could kill millions?"

"…"

"Yeah that did kinda bite me in the ass"

Yuffie giggled, she missed facing off against the Turks, mainly because they were fun to beat up, especially Reno. But this time it sounded like they had some real heavy duty stuff in that case. She jumped down from her branch, descended while kicking Rude in the back of the head, made a grab for the case and disappeared. All while Reno was looking the other way.

"But seriously yo, yo? Rude?"

She was very good at this.

She rushed back to The Final Heaven bar in Edge, smiling at Tifa as she strutted past and up to her room. She locked the door placed the suitcase on her bed and opened it.

There were 5 vials lying in the case with some papers. This had at first been a big disappointment to Yuffie, why keep something so boring so secret? Until she read the labels

Luck, Joy, Charisma, Inspiration and Sexual Magnetism

"Aftershaves?" Yuffie pondered before turning her attention to the papers. Apparently, these were positive viruses which boosted people and increase certain characteristics. "Sexual magnetism?" she said to herself "Gotta try some of that!"


	2. Chapter 2, test subjects

**Yuffie and the Positive Virus: chapter2**

**Test Subjects**

Disclaimer: The Positive viruses, the characters, the locations are not mine. If they were… well for one thing I'd be doped up to the gills on sexual magnetism .

Warning: Contains CloTi with a hint of lemon, possibly

Positive Virus. A weird combination of words that created 5 of the most potent materials of all time, and they were all Yuffie's.

The documents contained all she needed to know about them; who discovered them, what they did and how to make a lot more of them for more use.

What little self control the young Ninja had was almost thrown straight out the window when she eyed the red vial, Sexual Magnetism. With this virus at her disposal, Vincent would not be able to resist her charms anymore. However, it needed some testing first.

Luck was first up for the trial run and since it was probably the least dangerous she would try it herself but she needed something to prove it works, something which was exceedingly difficult to do, like convince Mr Valentine to go on a date with her. Thinking only of the red cloaked man with the claw she drank half the contents of the vial and rushed downstairs.

As luck would have it he was sitting alone in the corner and with Shelke nowhere to be found, she made her move

"Vinny?"

"Yes Yuffie?"

So far so good, at least he didn't respond with his trademark '…'

"would you go on a date with me?"

"…"

So much for Vincent Valentine's reign of actually having a conversation

"please?"

"…"

"pretty please?"

"…"

"pretty please with sugar on top?" Yuffie was moving in for the kill, despite being over 20, Vincent was technically 3 times her age so she could still pull off the puppy dog look on him

"… I'll think about it"

Success! Normally its '…' until she leaves, she smiles sweetly and waits until Vincent cannot see her before punching the air in victory

"Yes!" Next to try was confidence but she didn't need that, however she knew someone who did.

Cloud Strife, A former Shinra MP turned mercenary turned member of AVALANCHE etc. was about to have some lunch made by Tifa. Yuffie got the feeling that Cloud did have some romantic feelings for Tifa but would never admit it due to him putting Tifa as a friend first and that he's still bogged down with Aeris.

'I know it hurt when she died but for all this time?' Yuffie thought 'I know what it feels like to loose someone special to him too…'

With a determined look in her eye she strolled into the Kitchen

"Hey Tifa!"

"Yuffie! You were acting secretive a few moments ago" 'more so than usual anyway' Tifa added in her mind

"Well…" Yuffie was in a tight spot here, Tifa may be on to her unless she thinks fast "… I got a date with Vinny!"

"Oh my gosh that's great!" Tifa squealed "you two set a date yet?"

"Well… he said he'd think about it but that's much more than I usually get outta him"

"Oh"

"But its only a matter of time"

"good for you. Hey could you help me here, I'm making Cloud's lunch"

"watcha making?"

"Bacon sandwich"

"mmm, smells good"

"thank you Yuffie"

Subtly as possible she poured a fair bit of the virus into Clouds drink, fortunately for her the drink didn't change colour.

"See you Tifa!"

"Bye"

Now all she had to do was wait.

---

Cloud was sitting down to eat his lunch, trying to keep his true feelings for Tifa under wraps for as long as possible. If he made a wrong move it could split them apart forever. He took a large gulp of his orange juice which Tifa had laid out for him.

Before Tifa Suspects a thing she's slammed up against a wall by Cloud with him leaning in closely, his spikes slipping through Tifa's hair.

"Tifa… I love you" It just came out so quickly, Cloud was pushed back and fell onto the table but before he could move, Tifa was on top of him

"I love you too Cloud"

---

Yuffie was having a brilliant run so far with these. 2 of the 5 had worked wonders and there were still 3 to go. 'hmm, maybe I'll save you for the date' Yuffie thought before hiding the vial of sexual magnetism under her bed.


	3. Chapter 3, Charisma and Inspiration

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**Disclaimer: **I do not own FF7, if I did Sephiroth's sword would shatter on contact with Aeris leading to him being pummelled by her staff. Take that mommas boy!

So far, Yuffie's experiments with the Viruses have gone better than expected. Vincent had said more than '…', had agreed to go on a date with her but hadn't set a day and Cloud and Tifa are currently making love to each other. But next for the experiment was Inspiration.

It was the most unassuming of the vials and was colourless, unlike the rest it was one of those things that couldn't be trusted with to someone apart from her. If someone else got a wave of inspiration they may do stupid things like try and resurrect Aeris. Or try and steal _her _personal angst-cake. She took a swig and…

…nothing happened

It was one of the most anti-climatic moments of her life, she had expected something dramatic, an explosion in her mind, hell even a light bulb above her head would have worked. Feeling dejected she quickly turned her train of thought to Vincent Valentine

"Maybe if I use the charisma virus I can get him to set a date!" she said out loud, she had no idea where that thought had come from, she wasn't planning to test that one today. She took another look at the recently opened vial and smirked. Maybe this little tube wasn't as worthless as it seems.

She Quickly drank all but the smallest bit of the vial and let new thoughts enter her brain. Some would say at this point that that she had enough room in there but they can get lost (I'm looking at you Barret!)

Anyway she suddenly had an idea on how to get more of the Virus or at least get them to last longer but for that she needed to go to Nibelheim, and for that she needed Vincent to take her for a trip to Mt. Nibel, just make him think of it as a romantic stroll.

The thief turned world saviour turned back to thief drank a small portion of the charisma Virus and headed downstairs to see Vincent brooding… again.

"Hey Vin-Vin"

"Yes Yuffie?" the words slipped out of Vincent's mouth before he knew what this conversation was leading to

"Would you take me to Mount Nibel please?" Yuffie asked in the cutest voice she could manage.

Vincent was entranced by her voice and compelled to do everything she said "of course" he was silently cursing himself for this but couldn't bring himself to reject her request.

"Thanks Vinny! See you in 5 minutes!" the ninja turned to Cloud "And make sure he doesn't forget about this"

"Can do" Cloud replied, slightly confusing Yuffie. She wondered whether his good mood and 'Can do' attitude was to do with the fact that either the charisma virus was still working or he had finally gotten laid.

After she had left Vincent snapped out of his trance "What the hell just happened?"

A/N: Please Review


	4. Chapter 4, Long lasting

**Yuffie and the Positive Virus, chapter 4**

**Long lasting**

**Disclaimer:** I do not own anything except this plot which I am making up as I go along

This was not Vincent Valentine's day.

Already he had apparently been conned by Yuffie into going on a date with her a few days ago, the noises Cloud and Tifa had been making upstairs were annoying, giving him a headache and making him slightly reminiscent of his Turk days where in you could have an easy score if you just mentioned your profession. It wasn't as easy as that now because you had to do a bit of flirting first according to Reno. Maybe it was him who was dragging the system down.

But now was one of the biggest problems, Yuffie had somehow convinced him to take her to Mt. Nibel, possibly and probably for the materia fountain (It was a hobby) and had convinced Cloud to make sure he didn't get out of it.

---

Yuffie was having a great day, the viruses had worked their magic and Vincent was going to take her to Mt. Nibel. Since the Mako reactor was shut down and decommissioned by the W.R.O the place was springing into bloom for the first time since it was built. The materia fountain was producing materia at an alarming rate. So much so she couldn't keep up with it. However, it was time to get ready.

She hid the vials in her tank top so that she had the excuse for slapping someone in the face if they tried to retrieve them (a little tip she had learnt from Tifa in exchange for her returning all the pages she cut out of the "Cosmo" magazine) and placed on a jacket overtop. She chose to put on a pair of shorts as per normal then headed downstairs to leave with Vincent.

Yuffie had a crush on him since the defeat of Sephiroth. She still had one on Cloud but Tifa had got there first. Besides, if she could get Cloud to stop thinking of Aeris long enough for him to tell Tifa that he loved her (with a little help from the viruses), she could get Vincent to stop thinking about his dead girl who is now in the little girl's body.

'Curse you Shelke' she thought to herself, anyway time to get Mr not-a-vampire-but-depressed-over-events-he-could-not-control-but-less-depressed-since-he-got-rid-of-chaos.

Or Vin-Vin for short.

---

Vincent saw her coming down the stairs, it was time to tell her that he wasn't going to accompany her on whatever it was she was planning, Mt. Nibel was safe. There were no monsters so she could be fine by herself if she took her conformer with her.

"Vinny!"

The world entranced Vincent, he could not resist it. Who could resist such a sweet voice from a sweet girl?

"Yes Yuffie?"

"Time to go! Got death penalty?"

"Yes"

"Got Mystile?"

"Yes."

"Okay lets roll!" she shouted before dragging Vincent out of the door.

This surprised Yuffie, it had been 2 hours since she took the charisma virus and it was still working strongly on everyone.

'This stuff is longer lasting than I thought, I wonder how long its going to last? I like this Vincent but I'm already missing Broody Vin-Vin' she thought to herself.

'Well hopefully it'll wear off after his chance to get out of this'

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A/N: hope you liked this, since I'm running 3 multi-chapter stories currently I'm probably going to have to put one or more of them on Hiatus


	5. Interlude

**Yuffie and the Positive Virus**

**Interlude (contains clo/ti)**

Disclaimer: I No own FF7.

A/N: This happened between chapters 2 and 3. Consider it as bonus material (may have to change the rating for this)

* * *

Cloud wasn't exactly sure how he had gotten himself into this mess. He was standing up completely naked in Tifa's room. Tifa herself was lying under the sheets with a disappointed look on her face. Underwear was strewn across the floor and Cloud had no idea how it had happened.

All he could remember was Tifa making him breakfast, Yuffie being a pest and then taking a sip of his orange juice then… blank. Nothing from that point. So how the hell did he end up halfway through doing the human pretzel act with Tifa?

"Cloud? Why did you stop"

This sent his mind racing, he was in the middle of doing all he had ever wanted, she was his and he was hers. So why was he ruining it?

"Sorry Tifa" He did his best to look ashamed and try to rejoin Tifa but she held him back

"Oh no, your not playing me like that mister Strife!"

"Mister Strife?" When had she called him that? Well mostly when she was about to take his head off for doing something stupid. Yeah, it was one of those times.

"If you want back in you're going to have to earn your spot." She stated in a matter-of-fact tone while an evil smirk graced her lips. "Open the second draw down."

Cloud would normally never go through Tifa's draws. Mainly out of respect for her but also for fear of being caught. He opened the draw to find… 'Oh gods, when did she get these?'

"Give them to me" She commanded, she could see how Cloud stopped suddenly and just stared, he had obviously found them.

Cloud slowly turned around and handed Tifa a pair of fuzzy handcuffs.

"**All** of them"

Cloud handed over 3 more pairs obediently

"Congratulations Cloud! You have just earned your spot back but this time…" With her strength she easily threw Cloud onto the mattress before handcuffing his ankles and wrists to the bed. "…You are not getting away"

"Tifa?" Cloud whispered, the panic in his voice clear

"Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you" she cooed "I love you, remember?"

Nothing more needed to be said, she loved him and he loved her. Who cares if he couldn't remember what had happened before, what was important was he knew what was going to happen next. Or at least hoped that was going to happen next.

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A/N: First attempt at CloTi, should I make this a standalone fanfic or keep it as part of the story? Yuffletine will return shortly. 


	6. Chapter 5, The last vial

**Yuffie and the Positive Virus**

**Chapter 5**

**The last vial**

A/N: Back to Yuffie x Vincent, writers block sucks…anyway I just finished another play through of FF7 and it is still epic.

Disclaimer: I do not own FF7, its characters or locations. Nor do I own the idea of positive viruses, that was from Red Dwarf series 5 episode 4, quarantine (brilliant episode that).

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Once again, Vincent had no idea what was going on except for the fact he was now with Yuffie, in the many caves that dotted Mt. Nibel.

"Yuffie? What am I doing here?"

'Guess the charisma virus wore off, he's no longer mindlessly obeying me' "You Vinny, are being my bodyguard for the day"

"I thought you hated being told you needed a body guard?" Vincent asked, whenever her father had pushed her to get a bodyguard the aplicant often ended up being her punching bag for the rest of the day.

"That's because none of the people were you Vinny." Yuffie was trying to be too cute. Vincent knew that she was up to something.

"This better not be an attempt to steal our materia again."

"I only did it once! Besides, I can now take your materia from your weapons without you even noticing when you're _not_ distracted" Yuffie stated dismissively.

"Oh yeah?" Vincent challenged her.

"Noticing something missing from death penalty?" Yuffie asked innocently before turning around and holding a yellow sphere in the air.

"the Slash-all materia? But how did you?"

"I'm a ninja, that's all you need to know" She risked a glance at Vincent who seemed to have recovered from the shock pretty well and was retaliating the way that Yuffie feared he would.

The patented Vincent Valentine death glare. She could feel the back of her neck burning from the red gaze.

"Yuffie..." He growled "don't _**ever **_touch Death Penalty again."

"Why not? I let you touch the conformer."

"That is not the point." Confidentialy, Yuffie knew exactly what was the point. Death penalty was a weapon given to him by what remains of Lucercia, whereas the conformer was found in a small area in a sunken plane.

"Okay Vinny, were almost there!"

"Where are we going in the first place?"

"The materia fountain!" Yuffie sqealed. Although it was no longer a challenge to obtain the materia, it still was an obsesion for her to obtain as much of it as possible. Or so Vincent thought.

"Why am I not suprised..."

"And...we're here!"

The fountain had changed drasticly since the reactor was decomissioned. Origionally it was the one peice of tranquility in the whole mountain. Now it was hidden in lush plant life with flowers surrounding the Mako basin.

"Now wait over there bodyguard." she told Vincent while smirking "I gotta do something here that's private

"As you wish" Vincent sighed and turned around, she still seemed at times to be the imature teenager they had met over 3 years ago, not that he minded and secretly liked it 'Wait. where did _that_ thought come from?'

Meanwhille Yuffie had just extracted 4 materia from the fountain, and mixed them with the viruses. The four started to change colour as she sneaked them into her pockets saving the most vital for last.

Sexual Magnetism, the most potent of the five as the notes said. Yuffie had never tried or tested it yet, it was too risky for her to try it and was not about to let Shelke become irresitable to Vincent.

She was about to pour the contents into the fountain as she had done with the previous four and collect the new materia imbused with its powers but unfortunatly tripped over her own feet and dropped the vial.

It knocked against the side of the fountain, allowing one drop to splash up and touch Yuffie's lips. It tasted like strawberries.

Yuffie quickly picked up the vial and continued where she left off and returned to Vincent slightly embaressed, he was staring at her again. "What?"

There was something different with Vincent, his eyes showed something Yuffie had never seen from Vincent before. Lust.

It was going to be a while before they made it back down the mountain.

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**A/N: The next chapter may contain smut followed by an increase in the rating, you have been warned**


	7. Chapter 6, Guy and Girl magnet

**Yuffie and the Positive Virus 6**

**Guy and Girl magnet**

**Ah, finally revived this old story. Let's see if I remember the plot still.**

**Additional notes: Italicised and bold text means Galian Beast is talking.**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing except the plot bunny.**

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Yuffie finally emerged from the bushes, the foliage barely covering her anatomy. Her clothes had been scattered around the area, the virus materia left in a small pile by the fountain and of course, an also nude Vincent Valentine behind her.

"Wow Vinnie… that was-" Before Yuffie could finish the sentence he grabbed her arm with his human hand, drawing him in for a long, passionate kiss.

Yuffie succumbed to his touch, allowing him to drag her back into the shrubs for another session of love making. The sexual magnetism virus was very potent. _Note to self: make sure we're in a bedroom before using _Yuffie thought to herself.

The passion could not last however. Yuffie shoved Vincent off her and made a grab for the materia, hoping that one of them would stop Vincent from being so… demanding.

The royal blue materia that was induced with the luck virus quickly glowed, Vincent seemed to calm down slightly, but not enough to stop him every now and again from stealing a kiss on the way down the mountain.

"Calm down Vinnie! I'm not going to disappear in the next 5 minutes." She complained before Vincent kissed her cheek for the 15th time in 10 minutes.

"I can't help it if you taste so sweet." He said before nuzzling her ear. _At least this time he's fully clothed _Yuffie thought. _I wonder what the Turkeys did once they realised I stole the case?_

_---_

"So the case which I had trusted you with was stolen?" Rufus sighed, trying to reduce his own rage at the Turks incompetence.

"Yes Sir"

"…" The duo replied solemnly.

"Do you know what was in that case?" He asked. "Any Idea at all?"

"Well it said biological Hazard on it, Sir." Reno replied, quickly adding the last word.

"What was in that case is only known to two people. Me and Tseng. I do believe he would be better suited than me to administer a punishment, I know that he will be very disappointed in you two. Now leave." He said coldly. Once they were out of earshot he quickly picked up the intercom and dialled Tseng's number "They failed to deliver the Viruses."

"So I take it that our tour of all strip clubs is cancelled then sir?" Tseng Replied.

"I'm afraid it is," Rufus quickly hung up "Damn, I wanted that sexual magnetism virus."

---

On returning to Edge (after receiving approximately one thousand looks) Yuffie quickly entered the bar only to be wolf whistled. She froze, if it was Cloud, Tifa would kill him. If it was Cid, Shera would kill him. If it was Barret, she'd kill him. And if it was Reeve then… the media would kill him. She turned around towards the source of the whistle to be even more stunned.

It was Tifa.

Tifa was currently _flirting _with her.

The pink Sexual magnetism materia quickly lit up in her pocket unintentionally, the bartender started to lick her lips hungrily as did Vincent who was currently behind her.

The young ninja quickly dived into her room and placed the sexual magnetism items in her underwear draw and quickly drew out the luck materia. Focusing her energy she was enveloped in a blue aura, the movement on the stairs (most likely to get to Yuffie) stopped completely.

It had happened again to Vincent Valentine.

Once more he had been left without a major recolection of what had transpired, all he knew was that there had been a long time since he was in the 7th Heaven bar and that there was a small drone in the back of his head.

_**ZZZZZZZ**_

Since when did Galian Beast sleep except after sex?

"Oh." He said, realisation creeping across his face.

Vincent walked down the stairs, positioned himself above the sofa in Cloud and Tifa's living room, and promptly fainted.

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**So what did you think? Like it? Hate it? Think I need to change the rating? Whatever your reasons, review!**


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